Folie de Couple – Evidence of Crazy Love?

So I checked out a new magazine (new to me at least, ReadyMade) and found an interesting tidbit on the right side of the left page; smack-dab in the center of the mag, so close to the crease that it almost escaped my eye even though it was written in a column of bright yellow. The column was entitled Re-Word and the word was actually a phrase – Folie de Couple which means “the daft behavior of couples as perceived by outsiders, including the finishing of each other’s sentences or the answering of unasked questions.”

This quote followed:

“There is a folie de couple, a French phrase I made up because folie a deux was taken. The latter refers to the madness of lovers; I’m talking about the madness of longtime companions… The looniness is what keeps it interesting.”

From “Two People With One Loony Thought,” by Jon Carroll, the San Francisco Chronicle, January 6, 2000.

Interesting thoughts began to swirl then swoosh through my brain and I’m still working them out so here goes…

First, I thought of the looniness that is Randy & I. He would have phrased it exactly like that and the fact that I know this seems to allude to our unique loonatic ways. Like how he dances like Bill Cosby when he wants to make me laugh and that we make up crazy little ditties to entertain ourselves and Lola. That we find mostly the same things absurd and make a point to catch each other’s rolling eyes, or the fact that it drives us both crazy if the pillows on the couch aren’t placed back in the right place after we get up. I’m sure our close friends could provide a slew of details regarding our madness complete with stories and impressions. In fact, outsiders are usually more aware of the inside stuff more than the insiders. I’m not talking about knowing the information people share, but the way they share it. In my opinion, inside jokes rarely seem that way to those who share them. The stuff you want to remain secret is usually guarded pretty tightly. It’s the sharing of the deep stuff that makes people so at ease with each other that they create unique ways of communicating.

I think this same intimate looniness is shared by friends who know each other inside out as well. Maybe that is a better description of this special insider’s bond – an inside-out relationship. I think of a few rare friends who know my soul and we, too, have this crazy love. These friends are those who upon reconnecting after long periods of relationship inactivity can pick up where they left off without losing a beat. And it’s not as though these friends think they are the same individuals who parted last. They understand the evolution of a person and give room for this growth while cherishing the core of who each other are. This is done by drawing the deep to the surface – the inside out, reminding you who you have always been and the potential of who you can be.

Of course these relationships come at a price. These are built on shared experiences and many of those aren’t so easy, but they afford us truth and accountability. These friends are the ones who see right through us when we think we’ve grown so much yet we can’t see our insides for our new outer costume. They realize where we’ve grown and what we are only masking. I believe this is mostly because these friends see what really drives and motivates us. Maybe because they love us anyway and don’t feel the need to justify the old by pretending it is something new. These people are also our greatest cheerleaders because they force us to accept the real instead of the fake. They push us to never settle and don’t let us make excuses unless they’re truly valid. And then they take our hand, help us up and brush us off so we can move forward.

These are the kinds of relationships where warm fuzzy feelings and much love abounds but so do the sparks of iron sharpening iron. The greatest loves are shared here but so are the greatest disappointments. This madness is sometimes described as “they love passionately and they fight passionately.” I think I will call it crazy love. Maybe that’s because we realize how rare and valuable it is to find someone to commit to the good, the bad, and the ugly. The love is extreme because it is so precious and for the same reason, we fight ferociously to make it perfect.

I can’t say that I have perfected this relationship thing. Oh, I love the ooey-gooey but the embers of rage? They feel pretty dangerous sometimes. Yet I, like many, can’t seem to let go of the thorns; we just press into them hoping to destroy the prickly little nuisances. Every little issue becomes about the big picture and the person on the other side is crushed because the other doesn’t see them as perfect.

So I’ve come to this conclusion –it really just boils down to unconditional love. Most of us don’t know how to give it and more of us probably don’t know how to receive it. I think the folie de couple is the result of two people committed to learning how and it’s just making them crazy in the process. So the next time you roll your eyes at a sickenly sweet couple or grow envious of a couple of best friends, give them a break. They're just a little loco.

What do you think? Have you ever been on the outside looking in at a relationship like this? If so, what was your emotional reaction and how has it affected the way you approach your relationships? Think about a friendship or marriage you respect. Did you ever think about what the relationship cost them?

More about crazy love tomorrow…