Failure to Thrive

This blog has been experiencing failure to thrive. I totally forget I have it most of the time. I mostly blog on myspace. All the accountability to write never quite happened. So I'm going to lessen the pressure to write something that is astounding in quality and simply express here. I don't think anyone ever visits but me (to try and inspire myself again, I'm quite aware nothing new has been posted), so no pressure, right? So I guess that means I'm talking to myself or writing to myself. I don't think I'm going crazy...

Anyhow, the subject of this blog should reflect how I'm trying to live life as art. Right now, I'm really enjoying life but it seems pretty chaotic. There's just so much going on and I have many points of focus rotating in front of me. So I guess I feel most like a young child's piece of art. They always seem to create lots of pictures on the page and none of them relate except in their heads. And when they are very young and there's just a bunch of scribbles on the page, you think it's beautiful because you know it is all they can create at the moment. I might be capable of creating something else that is more focused and spectacular. However, I feel pretty young and inexperienced at this season of living. I'm just a baby carving out a new way of life and my scribbles are about all I can create right now. I hope they are beautiful in the eyes that count.

Rage

I feel violent
in my rage
I want to scream with
a force of light that
chases away the darkness
My mind has always held
that light consumes darkness
But I refuse to taste this night
I want to spit it out of my mouth
I crave sweet goodness
peace & beauty

I feel fierce
in my love
I want to protect with
a ferocious hand that
nurtures the life and rejects
the death that is chasing
down the light

Rage the light
Rage the love
Rage the peace

Ignorance is Bliss…

…awareness requires accountability. One would hope that compassion would require action, but I notice in myself that those moments where your heart breaks in effort to empathize with another are all too fleeting. Sometimes you change the channel because you can’t bear the images. Sometimes the issues just seem too large to be able to make a difference on your own. The magnitude of pain and injustice can be so overwhelming that we employ avoidance in order to protect our seemingly safe existence. Other times, we are too hardened to notice and at others too involved with our own dramas.

But hurrah for the images and stories that haunt us; not letting us remain unchanged. They force us to become involved either by pushing them out of our minds over and over or taking small steps to affect the situation. Some people even abandon other plans to throw themselves headlong into finding or creating solutions.

What if we could all use what we already have to be a part of the solution? What if all it took was a little organization and planning or just a bit of repurposing? I’m reminded of a song that says, “What’s that you have in your hand? I can use it, if you’re willing to lose it. Take the little you have and make it grand. I am El Shaddai and I’ll more than supply your need.” I would credit the author but I don’t know who wrote it; it was recorded by Truth. I also think about the church of Acts and how they held all they had in common. Then I think about the people I know and how many gifts and talents there are among us. Because there doesn’t seem to be much money, we can feel very poor. But if we pool our resources, there is such wealth among us.

With what cause do you start - the homeless, orphans, unwed mothers, the sick, or those who have material things but are lovesick, which can lead to a greater pain than being in material need? How do you focus with so many crying out around you? It’s overwhelming enough to make you want to bury your head in the ground (or your own circle of friends) and revert back to your ignorant bliss.

Today, I think we can start with awareness. Let us open our eyes and truly see what is around us. It is easy to zoom in on the visibly needy, but let’s pan out and see the variety of desperation around us. We can tune our ears to the silent cries of the hearts we encounter. We can look at what the city we live in offers up for lifestyle and begin to dream of how to offer our own gifts to enhance the quality of life for those who dwell among us. We can become the prophetic voice crying out in the wilderness saying, “Look here, remember this, go there, offer yourself.” The watchman is all about awareness. How can you discern or understand if you have no knowledge? And what good is knowledge if you don’t understand or employ discernment? But today let’s start by shaking the sleep out of ourselves, just as you would try to wake your leg up from its numbness, and become alive to all that is around us. Be on the lookout and we will find more than pain, depravity, and utter need. I believe we will see the goodness of the Lord and begin to receive the wisdom to string knowledge, understanding and discernment into strategy.

Check out my friend Jeff's blog for a little jolt: http://visterra.blogspot.com/

You're Dangerous

Today I am posting a poem I wrote about three years ago...

You’re dangerous
crashing in on me
invading all my ideas
penetrating my perceptions

I can’t hide from you
I’m not even sure I want to

Are you playing games?
turning my world upside down
or maybe it’s right side up

I thought I had it all figured out
I’ve been playing it safe not leaving much room for doubt

You see right through me
the darkness and the light
I’ve never been known completely
not even by myself

And yet you, you run right through me
causing me to come undone
all these feeble attempts to remain dignified
lay in ashes next to my broken pride

Why am I trying to stuff it all back in me
Trying to make it pretty

As if you couldn’t handle my reality
Or the truth of how broken I am

You’re dangerous
ravaging my heart
captivating my thoughts
crushing the essence out of me

Marketing Life

I know the nature of marketing. I’ve studied it, Randy & I survive because of it, and every one of us is a target of it. But today as I pondered over my post, I took a break to thumb through one of my newly arrived magazines and found myself flipping from ad to ad just to read the taglines. Sure there were many products and services being marketed with obviously relevant wording, such as “SMOOTH SKIN IS IN” for Jergens Ultra Healing lotion. But I was more interested in the tag lines that were trying to sell me experience and identity. Here are several:

Treat Your Self. Well. - Neutrogena Body
live. life. naturally. - Naturalizer
alive in the world - Eileen Fisher
Ready to Star in Your Own Life? - Dr. Phil (He’s already written the script for you!)
make every day wonderful - Wonderful, the fragrance by American Beauty
art ~ vision ~ life - Sigrid Olsen
What kind of classic are you? - Talbots
What dreams are made of… - Maidenform
live the dream - Euphoria, the fragrance by Calvin Klein
do something good for yourself - Lean Cuisine
Snack Happy - Nabisco
It’s not the destination… it’s the journey. - Purina BusyBone (experience for my dog?)
Keep life fresh - Buitoni
Create something great. - Hormel

Two ads used questionnaires answered by the “models” to display how personal the experience of choosing clothes or a salad could be and how it would make me feel more like myself. – Dressbarn & McDonalds

It’s not new for advertisers to promise amazing results in return for purchasing something. But the shift I sense is that instead of promising the product will do the work, it seems that these products are just begging to experience this great adventure you are about to go on. Instead of promoting the all-powerful product, these advertisers are realizing we have the power to create amazing experiences and incredible identities and if we use what they are offering they can take some of the credit.

How much power do we give away?

(Disclaimer: Now this discussion can get pretty sticky because there are lots of factors that need to be given attention in order to arrive at any conclusions. So forgive me if I don’t get to all of those thoughts today. In fact, do me a favor and understand that anytime I post, I am usually only offering a few of my thoughts on a subject. Therefore, what you read here may not be my entire viewpoint on any given subject.)

I believe we waste power and authority. I think we spend a lot of time waiting for things to happen and very little time making things happen. I realize that almost everyone reading this post is the type of person who seeks Divine approval or what we like to call “God’s will”. I believe that pleasing the Lord and aligning ourselves with His purposes are top priority. I also think in all of our searching for the proverbial writing on the wall, we become paralyzed for much of what is at hand. We end up sleepwalking through our days waiting for someone or something to wake us up and prove its place in our destiny.

You will notice that many of the lines above allude to creating a life worth living. I love Oprah’s line “Live Your Best Life.” To me, we can all live life and we can all waste it. What will it take to squeeze every last ounce of greatness out of our lives? How much responsibility do we have in creating our lives? What does it mean to live beautiful? Please click on comments below and leave your thoughts. We will be exploring this further and I long for your input.

Crazy Love

crazy love -n. 1. Love (shared by two or more persons) that makes no sense, for it cannot be based on logic, rationale, nor deserved. It is the byproduct of whole-heartedly committing to love each other despite the following:

- negative traits
- annoying behavior
- inability of the other person to be perfect, read your mind, take out the trash without being asked, remember to return your favorite shirt, etc.

This love outlasts raging frustration, goofiness, forgetfulness, “irreconcilable” differences, physical changes and a barrage of other ailments.

That’s my attempt to define crazy love as first discussed in the previous post. I would like to reiterate how rare and valuable it is to find someone to commit to the good, the bad, and the ugly. I would also like to submit that crazy love may also be synonymous with unconditional love. I know; unconditional love makes you think of an automatic loving response to anything the recipient would do. For instance, unconditional love would require that even though your best friends didn’t invite you to their dinner party, instead of feeling rejected you would completely understand. Or, if your husband neglected to write down his ATM withdrawal for the umpteenth time causing three bounced checks, instead of being infuriated you would just have a good laugh. Not hardly. Unconditional love happens when you can fight through the spewing venom and find a way to forgive and still adore.

It’s the process of becoming family. I think most families have this crazy love. My sister and I know each other well enough to write the other’s autobiography. And though there are times when we really can’t stand the other’s behavior, decisions, mindsets, and so what; we have this unconditional love that can’t be destroyed. I think it’s easier with family because we are born into the commitment; we can’t stop being sisters. Our blood requires that we remain family. And since we know that will never change, we choose to forgive and keep loving over and over.

We must choose this with our non-blood family – to forgive and keep loving over and over and over and over… Possibly it’s those we have chosen to share our lives with or maybe we can even think large enough to include all of mankind. Aren’t we all sisters and brothers in this human thing? Is it possible to summon this kind of craziness for all God’s creation regardless of the grand canyons that seem to divide us? Maybe we can’t summon enough like, affection, or understanding to reconcile all of our differences. But maybe we can begin a journey to discover how grace can open the door for this illogical, unconditional love.

I’m reminded of a huge lesson I learned about grace. I had been heartbroken by a friend who I loved very much. The hurt was so great and I thought so intentional that I could not comprehend forgiving her. Oh, okay, I would forgive her; I just couldn’t ever like her again. I was feeling the bitterness destroying all my affection for her and feeling like a pretty horrible person for not rummaging up enough grace to let go of it all. After much prayer and meditation, I thought about my relationship with my sister and how we have the capacity to disappoint each other so greatly because we expect so much from our relationship. Yet, we always find our way back to complete love. In fact, our love for each other never seems to be in question. That’s grace; that’s unconditional love. I couldn’t conjure up enough grace to make the hurt go away; but I could recognize where grace already existed in my life and apply it to this situation. The understanding of how I could love my sister even when she disappointed me helped me extend this same grace to my friend.

Yes, crazy love takes effort. It isn’t comfortable or constantly warm and fuzzy; but it’s never boring. It isn’t always practical and it’s almost never fair. But like a rose, it is beautiful in spite of its thorns. So go ahead and call it crazy to love even when it doesn’t make sense. I just think that’s the difference between love and affection.

Have you ever felt love that made you crazy? What was it like? Regarding love, what roles do choice and emotion play?

Folie de Couple – Evidence of Crazy Love?

So I checked out a new magazine (new to me at least, ReadyMade) and found an interesting tidbit on the right side of the left page; smack-dab in the center of the mag, so close to the crease that it almost escaped my eye even though it was written in a column of bright yellow. The column was entitled Re-Word and the word was actually a phrase – Folie de Couple which means “the daft behavior of couples as perceived by outsiders, including the finishing of each other’s sentences or the answering of unasked questions.”

This quote followed:

“There is a folie de couple, a French phrase I made up because folie a deux was taken. The latter refers to the madness of lovers; I’m talking about the madness of longtime companions… The looniness is what keeps it interesting.”

From “Two People With One Loony Thought,” by Jon Carroll, the San Francisco Chronicle, January 6, 2000.

Interesting thoughts began to swirl then swoosh through my brain and I’m still working them out so here goes…

First, I thought of the looniness that is Randy & I. He would have phrased it exactly like that and the fact that I know this seems to allude to our unique loonatic ways. Like how he dances like Bill Cosby when he wants to make me laugh and that we make up crazy little ditties to entertain ourselves and Lola. That we find mostly the same things absurd and make a point to catch each other’s rolling eyes, or the fact that it drives us both crazy if the pillows on the couch aren’t placed back in the right place after we get up. I’m sure our close friends could provide a slew of details regarding our madness complete with stories and impressions. In fact, outsiders are usually more aware of the inside stuff more than the insiders. I’m not talking about knowing the information people share, but the way they share it. In my opinion, inside jokes rarely seem that way to those who share them. The stuff you want to remain secret is usually guarded pretty tightly. It’s the sharing of the deep stuff that makes people so at ease with each other that they create unique ways of communicating.

I think this same intimate looniness is shared by friends who know each other inside out as well. Maybe that is a better description of this special insider’s bond – an inside-out relationship. I think of a few rare friends who know my soul and we, too, have this crazy love. These friends are those who upon reconnecting after long periods of relationship inactivity can pick up where they left off without losing a beat. And it’s not as though these friends think they are the same individuals who parted last. They understand the evolution of a person and give room for this growth while cherishing the core of who each other are. This is done by drawing the deep to the surface – the inside out, reminding you who you have always been and the potential of who you can be.

Of course these relationships come at a price. These are built on shared experiences and many of those aren’t so easy, but they afford us truth and accountability. These friends are the ones who see right through us when we think we’ve grown so much yet we can’t see our insides for our new outer costume. They realize where we’ve grown and what we are only masking. I believe this is mostly because these friends see what really drives and motivates us. Maybe because they love us anyway and don’t feel the need to justify the old by pretending it is something new. These people are also our greatest cheerleaders because they force us to accept the real instead of the fake. They push us to never settle and don’t let us make excuses unless they’re truly valid. And then they take our hand, help us up and brush us off so we can move forward.

These are the kinds of relationships where warm fuzzy feelings and much love abounds but so do the sparks of iron sharpening iron. The greatest loves are shared here but so are the greatest disappointments. This madness is sometimes described as “they love passionately and they fight passionately.” I think I will call it crazy love. Maybe that’s because we realize how rare and valuable it is to find someone to commit to the good, the bad, and the ugly. The love is extreme because it is so precious and for the same reason, we fight ferociously to make it perfect.

I can’t say that I have perfected this relationship thing. Oh, I love the ooey-gooey but the embers of rage? They feel pretty dangerous sometimes. Yet I, like many, can’t seem to let go of the thorns; we just press into them hoping to destroy the prickly little nuisances. Every little issue becomes about the big picture and the person on the other side is crushed because the other doesn’t see them as perfect.

So I’ve come to this conclusion –it really just boils down to unconditional love. Most of us don’t know how to give it and more of us probably don’t know how to receive it. I think the folie de couple is the result of two people committed to learning how and it’s just making them crazy in the process. So the next time you roll your eyes at a sickenly sweet couple or grow envious of a couple of best friends, give them a break. They're just a little loco.

What do you think? Have you ever been on the outside looking in at a relationship like this? If so, what was your emotional reaction and how has it affected the way you approach your relationships? Think about a friendship or marriage you respect. Did you ever think about what the relationship cost them?

More about crazy love tomorrow…